Pizza Rolls and Ankle Grabs

I cannot be the only person who wasn’t allowed to watch scary movies growing up. My mother is not fond of scary movies; therefore, she was not fond of my sister and I watching them when we were younger. I won’t lie, she’s not fond of me watching them now. As an adult. In my late 20’s. But now that I’m an adult in my late 20’s, I understand why!

Let’s start at the beginning. The first time I remember watching a “scary” movie, is when I was 4 years old, and my family sat down for a lovely movie night – Jurassic Park. This isn’t a horribly disturbing topic; it’s more of a far reach into this is probably never going to happen. As a 4-year-old, I was protecting myself with my baby Mickey and friends blankie watching these overgrown lizards chase people. But I wasn’t traumatized. Until my father screeched like a velociraptor behind me. Now, I vaguely remember hiding in the bathroom, but my parents confirmed this when I was older. 

Fast forward to the time my parents left me and my sister in the house alone for a week. I was in my late teens; my sister was nearing or in her early 20’s.  Our parents didn’t do this. This was huge! I didn’t have to get up early the next day, so I could stay up as late as I wanted. My sister would go to her room earlier than I would, but, this was the stage where she was a grown-up, and I thought I could be a lazy teenager forever. But before my sister would leave the room, I would watch her double check all the windows and doors in the house. Even the doors that lead to the basement and the garage, where someone would have to get into the house before getting into the house. Is it closed, is it locked? Are you sure you’re ok? Yes, I’m fine. Goodnight! I stayed up late eating pizza rolls, and watching scary movies and go to bed around 3 am, it was great!

But now. Now I get it. I don’t laugh at my sister anymore. In fact, I think I’m worse than she is. And all it took, was one time. One screw up with a late-night horror movie and I was done for. Yes, after I watched IT, I was afraid a clown would pop up from the shower drain. Yes, when I watched Poltergeist, I was afraid I’d get sucked into the television. But it wasn’t until I watched the Final Destination marathon that anything affected me.

The movies were over, I was tired, it was officially bedtime. I turned off the tv, and reached for the switch on the table lamp. That is when I realized, the lamp was the only light on in the house. I had to make it from the living room, through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, and into my room without something jumping out and getting me. Add to that, I still had to brush my teeth, and the trip seemed horrifying. Now, I don’t tend to keep nail guns in the hallway, and I don’t sleep in a tanning bed (those things are terrifying), but I had just watched three movies where unsuspecting teens were being offed while doing completely normal things.

How was I going to make it without tripping and falling onto a kitchen knife? Well, logic would say, ‘walk stupid.’ So, I came up with this great setup. Walk to the next room and turn the light on, before going back and turning the light behind me off. That pattern continued until I brushed my teeth, and had to walk across the hall to my bedroom. My bed was right next to the door, so I could just get in. “But there’s someone under your bed! They’ll grab your ankles and pull you under to a hell pit you never knew about!” Yes. Makes sense. So what did I do? Ninja jumped into my bed, duh.

Did I learn my lesson? No, not really. But at least now when I want to watch hours of horror movies before bed, I do it after I’m already under the covers. There’s your solution. Only watch horror movies during the witching hour when you’re already in bed. Nobody can pull you under that way! Well…unless it’s Freddy Kruger….

Super Bowl Bad Ads

So, I went over what I thought were some of the best commercials in my last blog. Which ads were memorable? Which were funny? And I eluded to the idea that there were some, that I personally, thought were left wanting. So let’s go over some of the “bad ads” from this year’s big game.

Bon and Viv’s spiked seltzer. Sounds cool, and it wasn’t a bad commercial really, but I didn’t get it. After a second look, it’s a clever setup, but I forgot what the product was until I watched it again. I will be able to say that it’s an alcoholic can of something with mermaids on it. The shark tank bit was fun, but I will forget this one happened.

While I can remember Kristin Chenoweth’s avocados jingle, I won’t be able to tell you what the human-dog show was for by next week. It’s a funny ad, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not a memorable advertisement for me.

I usually enjoy the Coke commercials, but this year, I just remember that it was a long, weird, and slow ad. “Different is beautiful” will not make me think of Coca-cola. I’ll think of that commercial and say, oh god, can I skip this? Or do I have to wait for it to end before I watch my YouTube video? Yeah, sorry Coke. Not your best work.

How about the “live skittles ad in a theater”? The arguing over what he was doing, where was it going to be? It was strange. Now add a scarecrow to manifest anxiety. Are we watching a super bowl commercial for medicine? Oh right, Skittles. Yeah, I’ll forget about that one too. I would expect more glitz from the phrase ‘Broadway the rainbow.’

Michelob Ultra had a spoof video with ASMR that was pretty funny, but the robots living day to day? I could barely tell you what it was for because, by the time they showed the product, they had text on the screen. Sadly, this one isn’t going to be a memorable commercial in my book.

Speaking of the good and the bad, the M&M’s commercial I mentioned in my last blog? Well, there was another one where they locked Christina Applegate out of the car. The voices couldn’t be heard, and the M&M’s weren’t seen, it wasn’t one I’d remember unless I had already seen the other one. If you don’t know which one I mean, check my last blog.

How about just something that you’ll forget easily? The Burger King is sitting at a table saying nothing, and waving his hands around. What is that one for? Burger King, duh. Wrong! It was for Door Dash. How would you know unless you read the text on the screen at the end of the silent ad? You wouldn’t. I’ll forget what it was for, but I’ll remember the King was on screen during the big game. Not a whopper of a marketing plan for Door Dash, but I’ll take the sandwich.

So what do you guys think? Did you like these commercials? Did I miss something you thought was a bad ad? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to subscribe!

Also, I don’t want to end the Super Bowl commercials rant on the bad ads, so have a few highlights that didn’t make the last blog.

Super Bowl What GIF by bubly - Find & Share on GIPHY
Luke Wilson Colgate GIF by ADWEEK - Find & Share on GIPHY

And because it’s me:

Backstreet Boys Doritos GIF by ADWEEK - Find & Share on GIPHY

Top 8 Super Bowl Commercials of 2019

Super Bowl. The one time of year that people who don’t care about football at all watch football. Is it because their team is on track to win? Usually not. Is it because you have to know who is going to win your fantasy football league for you? Probably not, they don’t like football. So why watch it? The commercials, duh!

We have all seen the commercial that pours a Bud Lite and talks to you in a smooth voice about how they don’t use corn syrup, but who looks for that on YouTube? No Sir, we’re looking for the journey across the other lite beers to find out who is missing their corn syrup. It’s a highlight to their ingredients and a dis to the other brewers. It’s so great.

And we can’t forget the Bud Knight joust either. Isn’t it bad enough that he was launched from his horse? No? Let’s add Gregor Clegane to the mix with a bloody death scene. Not enough? Add a fiery Drogon. Let’s just make it a party! Wait….oh wow. It’s actually a Game of Thrones commercial!? I need to drink a Bud Lite while I watch now… We see what you did there Bud. 

Everyone knows the voices for the M&M’s. So, when Christina Applegate was calmly speaking to the voices in the backseat, we all knew who she was talking to. Red and Yellow. Orange was a bonus, but hey, they have their friends too. But it is always fun to see a new M&M commercial right?

Almost as fun as seeing all the classic movie cars going to Walmart to pick up their groceries. We’ve seen the abridged version as we lead up to the super bowl, so not everyone got to see things like The Flinstones car, or Cinderella’s carriage. But we got to see Bumblebee dive roll into a beetle, and the best part is Slimer screaming at the guy in the parking lot. Hilarious!

The icing on the cake – well, that got destroyed – but you know what I’m talking about already. If you managed to miss the ad for the 100 seasons of NFL, watch this commercial and return because there are spoilers. Because it will make you say FOOTBALL! Pile-ups, and long throws. Every player got their moment, if they didn’t get a line, you watched their tackles, or you remember their red shoes running across the table. It made for a fun game of “Who is that one?” “Which team does he play for?”. Granted, it was easier for my parents, they watch football, and they know some of the more original players. But “Who was that girl?”

That girl is Sam Gordon. Future female football players, give a huge shout out to Sam for getting them started. She decided that she didn’t like the “girls can’t play” stigma, and started playing. When she was 9, she was the only girl on her team. She had 35 touchdowns, 65 tackles, and about 2,000 rushing yards. Sam Gordon started the Utah Girls Football League, and now other leagues are starting to pop up all over the nation.

Speaking of playing the ‘name that football player’ game, let’s take a look at how many celebs joined in the commercial fun this year. John Legend changing diapers for pampers, Zoe Kravitz’s ASMR for Michelob Ultra, Jason Bateman as the elevator attendant for Hyundai, Sarah Michelle Gellar for Olay. Who else knows the voice for the killer in that one? Anyone? Please, tell me.

I have to say though; I loved the Pepsi commercials. The combination of Steve Correll, the King of Crunk, and Cardi B is funny enough right? I drink Coke usually (yes, let the arguments begin), but I wanted to drink Pepsi after watching Steve try to say “Okurr.” It was funny guys!

Cardi B Ok GIF by Pepsi - Find & Share on GIPHY

But when you think Super Bowl, you think of certain brands running commercials. I know to expect a lot of beer, Pepsi, Coke, and Doritos. While Coke let me down this year, Doritos did not. My favorite provided me with my favorite. Backstreet Boys. Open to Chance the Rapper eating Doritos while he listens to the angelic tones of BSB. Add some fast cars, and some colorful exhaust and THEY’RE HERE! Be wrong if you like, but BSB still has it going on. Also, Chance flapping like a chicken because he had the wrong pants and couldn’t do the BSB dance? Now it’s hot.

So, what did you guys love? Which brands did you expect to see a lot from? Leave a comment below, let me know what you guys thought of the commercials. Should we do a part two on the commercials that maybe let us down a little? Highlight the ones that maybe we’ll remember, but not remember what it’s for? We’ll see.

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K-Pop and Camaraderie

Okay, okay. I get it, I promised we’d come back to the K-Pop thing.

So here’s the deal, my sister is awesome. Please, don’t tell her I said that. When we were kids yes, we fought all the time, but we also got along. Her best friend was my best friend’s older sister, which worked out pretty great. So even when we weren’t hanging out, we were kinda hanging out. We watched the same movies over and over, we liked similar books, and we listened to -mostly- the same music.

We would sit around the house singing the same boy band theme song on repeat. The best part, was we never had to argue over who was dating which Backstreet Boy. Dear sister, please take Nick, I like Brian.

To this day, if we hear “Oh My God, We’re Back Again!” we will find a place to dance. Even if we’re walking through the zit cream aisle at Walmart, we dance. My brother-in-law’s brother’s wedding? That dance floor was ours. That’s quality sister time right there.

So when she sent me a message on AIM in 2007, and said “Just listen, you’ll like it. It’s mostly in English.” and I wound up on YouTube watching a K-Pop star named BoA, I was trusting her. She was right. I did like it. So I sent her a crazy song I had heard called “Numa Numa,” and she promptly sent me the real song, and the actual video; “Dragostea din tei”, by the band O-Zone. So guess what? It’s not just Korean. We listen to music in tons of languages. She’s the linguist, not me. I just followed her blindly into the foreign music section on YouTube.

Jenny, yes my sister has a name, has this weird superpower. Over the years she has honed this superpower that allows her to look at the cover of a book, board game, movie, or the still from a music video; and know if I’ll like it. And because my sister is awesome -seriously, don’t tell her- she always makes sure I see it. Even though she emailed me the YouTube link a month earlier, she’ll happily play it for me when we’re in the same room again.

So K-Pop. In 2007, my sister sent me one video. Ever since then, I’ve been poking around the internet finding more music to like. Then there they were. BTS. They’re like BSB with sleeker fashion, and way more intricate dance moves. It was like discovering boy bands all over again, because I had in fact, discovered a new boy band again. I started listening. I have to listen to more and more, and suddenly, my daughter is singing Mic Drop. Well then you’ll love this song!

So here we are. My sister’s random risk in 2007, has given me some of my favorite mommy daughter time. We thank her for our K-Pop obsession, and for my daughter singing PSY songs almost flawlessly. How? Maybe she’s as awesome as my sister…

I Am An Expert At Everything

I, am an expert at everything.

It is a powerful feeling knowing that I can pick apart what went wrong in a chef’s food, or why your dance isn’t getting a full score. I can tell you when your voice is flat and when your wooden floors have warped due to moisture build up underneath. Don’t even get me started on your medical protocols. Sorry. Didn’t I mention that I was an expert reality tv show judge? Oops.

I can’t be the only one that watches these shows and picks up on all the hints. You know when the chief is going to bench the doctor, or the officer. You know when the dancers are going to lose half a point for not pointing their toe, and another half a point for not holding their frame properly. Who cares if the beams have holes in them when the contractor added the air ducts? I’ll tell you who cares, Johnathan Scott and me.

But you can’t tell when someone’s a pitchy dog just from a few shows here and there, oh no. You must watch these shows religiously, and not the same one over and over either. To become an expert in everything, one must experience everything. You can’t simply see a few red kitchen vs blue kitchen cook offs and know that the scallops are burnt. No madam. You must drive the food trucks through Padma’s pantry to become the next Food Master Star Chef. You need to watch all of them. Daily. Even at the gym you need to know if the house is being loved or listed.

Study the different judges and see what influences their scores. Are they prone to crying when someone mentions how hard their parents worked to put them through <insert your category> school? Does the judge fan themselves with their papers any time a man rips his shirt open? Hint: they’re not the ones you want to learn from. You want to look at the ones that get dissed for being misers. Strict, rule abiding judges, that constantly get booed. Well, I don’t mean to be rude but, these are usually the judges that are trying to uphold the integrity of the subject matter. But please, don’t follow them blindly. These are usually the guys with a soft spot for dogs that do tricks to jazzy music.

The point I’m trying to make here is this. I watch entirely too much television, and I have no limits to how many of the same show I will watch.

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