I, am an expert at everything.

It is a powerful feeling knowing that I can pick apart what went wrong in a chef’s food, or why your dance isn’t getting a full score. I can tell you when your voice is flat and when your wooden floors have warped due to moisture build up underneath. Don’t even get me started on your medical protocols. Sorry. Didn’t I mention that I was an expert reality tv show judge? Oops.

I can’t be the only one that watches these shows and picks up on all the hints. You know when the chief is going to bench the doctor, or the officer. You know when the dancers are going to lose half a point for not pointing their toe, and another half a point for not holding their frame properly. Who cares if the beams have holes in them when the contractor added the air ducts? I’ll tell you who cares, Johnathan Scott and me.

But you can’t tell when someone’s a pitchy dog just from a few shows here and there, oh no. You must watch these shows religiously, and not the same one over and over either. To become an expert in everything, one must experience everything. You can’t simply see a few red kitchen vs blue kitchen cook offs and know that the scallops are burnt. No madam. You must drive the food trucks through Padma’s pantry to become the next Food Master Star Chef. You need to watch all of them. Daily. Even at the gym you need to know if the house is being loved or listed.

Study the different judges and see what influences their scores. Are they prone to crying when someone mentions how hard their parents worked to put them through <insert your category> school? Does the judge fan themselves with their papers any time a man rips his shirt open? Hint: they’re not the ones you want to learn from. You want to look at the ones that get dissed for being misers. Strict, rule abiding judges, that constantly get booed. Well, I don’t mean to be rude but, these are usually the judges that are trying to uphold the integrity of the subject matter. But please, don’t follow them blindly. These are usually the guys with a soft spot for dogs that do tricks to jazzy music.

The point I’m trying to make here is this. I watch entirely too much television, and I have no limits to how many of the same show I will watch.

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